Ashton Jenne, Wake Forest University School of Law JD ’25
Aging brought Barbara random aches and pains and a deep understanding of the things that truly matter in life.1 The older she got, the more she realized that most of life, and its accompanying stressors, are insignificant and consume energy that should be spent on more important things. She often thought about an article she had read years ago that said if you ask elderly people what they value most in life, they will generally tell you that their priorities rank in order of love, relationships, health, and time. She thought the article made the priorities seem mutually exclusive—even if you do not have one, you can still accumulate the others and have a full life, but she knew that was not true. Everything is dependent on love—without it, a person’s health and their time on earth are meaningless and empty. What is another day on earth if you do not have any loved ones to spend it with?
While most would feel proud to live to be ninety-two years old with an intact mind and a semi-functional body, Barbara spent every day with a deep yearning for a life she would never have. On the day Barbara’s distant nephew moved her into the state-run nursing home three years ago, he tried to excite her and tell her that it would be fun to live with people her age, but she felt more alone than she did in that small one-bedroom house where she had lived for fifty seven years by herself. At least that was home, and at least there she could try to forget what the state had done to her. Living in a home controlled by the state, she now woke up every day feeling like she was sixteen years old again, being told by the state how her body could function. It was full circle, in the darkest way, that the state once ordered that she be physically deprived of the opportunity to have children,2and now, seventy-six years later, they were telling her when she could eat, go to bed, and go to the bathroom.
Barbara spent most of her days the same way: reading, doing needlepoint, and listening to gospel music. The gospel music soothed her and mentally transported her to a part of her childhood she wished she could relive over and over—the small white chapel she visited with her family every Sunday. She always recalled her family loading up in the rusted pickup truck to make the two-mile drive to church while her mother would roll down the windows and jokingly sing “Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye” to the farm as it disappeared out of sight. Once they got to church, the family would greet all their neighbors and squeeze into an old wooden pew, where Barbara would always sit next to her mother because Barbara was allowed to wear her wedding ring and pretend it was hers. Now, when Barbara replayed these moments of her childhood, she felt as if she were watching someone else’s life. She saw a little girl seeking love, protection, and guidance, and Barbara pitied her and wanted to give the little girl the world. Instead, the world would turn on the girl—stripping her of her identity and forcing her to live as an outcast.
The past three months for Kennedy had been a living hell. At first, Kennedy was numb. She could not process what happened to her, but as the days passed, she slowly came to realize that it was reality and something she would have to live with forever. Kennedy had no idea how to navigate her new life, and the only person who had truly loved and cared for her was dead. She missed her grandmother every day—the way she called Kennedy on the drive to school to ensure she arrived safely and prepared Kennedy a strawberry shortcake every night after dinner. Kennedy’s grandmother was the only stability and unconditional love she had ever experienced in a turbulent childhood, and now that she was gone, Kennedy had sought love in all the wrong places. The two years since her grandmother had died taught Kennedy that words are often meant to manipulate and that seeking out love when you do not love yourself leads you to get taken advantage of, but it was too late. Now, Kennedy vowed to do better because it was not just her future at stake anymore.
Kennedy never imagined that she would take a job at a nursing home, but when she saw the job posting, she knew that it was the perfect job for her. She was stuck in a life she did not recognize, and she longed for guidance from someone who cared. She knew she would not find that at home or with her peers because they were too preoccupied with their own chaotic lives and dangerous choices. In fact, they were the main reason she was in this situation to begin with. Kennedy knew she needed to seek guidance somewhere new, and she knew from time spent with her grandmother and her grandmother’s friends that older people gave her a sense of peace. She did not know whether it was a trait that occurred naturally with age or the way that the baby boomers were raised, but she felt like that generation had a genuine curiosity in getting to know others. There was a renewed innocence and selflessness about them, but they still carried tremendous wisdom that resulted from a lifetime of experiences and even mistakes. It was a beautiful combination, and Kennedy thought that a bond with even one person would be enough to get her through.
Kennedy was elated when she first got the job, but that soon developed into anxiety when she realized that she would have to create an entirely new persona for herself. Before her first day of work, she spent hours mentally drafting answers to anticipated questions, finally reaching a point where she even began to believe herself. She fell in love with the fictitious life she had created—a recent high school graduate, honors student, well-liked among her peers, and married for one month to her high school sweetheart. Sure, she would say, they were young, but it was true love, and she knew they were soulmates. It was the easiest way to prevent the disapproving stares and critical comments that would inevitably accompany the disclosure of her biggest secret. She would never reveal what actually happened, so without this socially acceptable narrative, she knew the nursing home residents would make assumptions about her and her character. That was the last thing she needed while trying to develop a new life for herself and relationships with the residents.
When the new Community Assistant walked into her room, Barbara immediately resented her. The girl, named Kennedy, was smiling too much, laughing too much, and asking too many questions. Barbara had once been the one who spent her days making her siblings and mother laugh after a long day working the tobacco fields. As the youngest, she felt as if she was the entertainer of the family and was known for her bubbly personality. However, once she reached Kennedy’s age, which she guessed to be around eighteen, Barbara retreated into the shadows and spent her days praying nobody would even look at her.3It was because she felt like every person she interacted with could immediately see all of the things she despised about herself. Her deficiencies were so glaringly obvious to her, that they must appear like a flashing neon sign to everyone else. Her self-hatred allowed envy to completely consume her years ago. It started with slight twinges of jealousy, but as Barbara came to understand everything she would never have, envy overcame her.4It was like ivy. Once it took root, it invaded her and rapidly spread throughout her entire body, intertwining with the deepest parts of her that she did not know existed. At this point, she imagined it was even wrapped around the double helix structure of her DNA. Barbara knew that she could not get rid of it even if she tried. It would just continually grow back from the remote places inside her that she would never be able to reach.
Barbara had never experienced envy until she was about eighteen. In fact, she could not remember experiencing any negative emotions until she was about sixteen. She had an unremarkable childhood. Her family had been sharecroppers, and while they never had a comfortable existence, they had made the best of it.5 However, by the time Barbara started to reach her teenage years, her father started to change. Part of it was the fact that he felt like he was trapped in a hole he could never escape. Sometimes the landowners let him feel like he was close to paying his debts, but the result was always the same: “Sorry, you did not make enough from this harvest to pay it off.” The other part she would never be able to comprehend, and she did not even try. All she knew was that it corresponded to the time she developed into a woman. Her brain protected her from most of it, and she was so grateful it did. The doctors said it was called “dissociative amnesia,” but she just viewed it as her personal Pandora’s Box.6 However, unlike Pandora, she would never open the box to release all of the traumatic and devastating memories that were trapped inside. She had enough horrific memories to deal with that had unfortunately never made it into the box. Later in her life, the doctors had asked her to attempt to pry it open, but she could not even make it over the barbed wire fence that she had mentally installed for heightened protection. Instead, she gave them the same story she told any authority that asked, “I am so sorry. All I remember is lying in bed one night when my father walked in and got into bed with me. The next thing I remember is my mother beating him with her fists and screaming for him to get out. She said she had come running after hearing my desperate screams for him to stop. That is all.”7
Barbara did not remember much of the act itself, but she vividly remembered what came after. However, it was not from her perspective. Instead, it was from the perspective of an outsider who watched the events unfold as they perched on the ceiling beams of the wooden cabin.8 The outsider saw the silent sixteen-year-old girl who had not moved since her father was forced out of the house. The girl blankly stared ahead and shivered as if she was cold even though it was the middle of July. Next to her, the mother wept as she felt the incredible pain of two people—a mother and a wife. As a mother, the woman felt as if she had failed to protect her daughter. She would have done anything to take away the suffering from Barbara and vowed that it would never happen again. As a wife, the woman felt her heart shatter as her family was ripped apart by the man who had taken a sacred vow to protect it years ago. The next three days were filled with silence. There was nothing to say.
On the third day, Barbara’s mother woke up and put on her Sunday dress except it was not Sunday. Barbara remembered wanting to ask her mother where she was going, but she did not have enough energy to even open her mouth. And she just did not care. In fact, she did not care about anything. Everything she thought she knew about the world was completely shattered
if her father could violate her like that, and she knew she would never trust anyone ever again. “I will be back tonight, Barbara.” Barbara did not even bother moving. She heard their old pickup truck start and rattle as it drove away down the bumpy dirt road. A few hours later, Barbara was lying in the same position when her mother walked through the door and sat on the side of Barbara’s bed. “Baby girl,” she said, “nobody will ever hurt you like that ever again. I took care of it.”9 As much as Barbara wanted to believe her mother, she had a feeling deep in her heart that it was not true.
Kennedy let herself relax in the driver’s seat once she was in the privacy of her own car. The feel of her worn leather seats and the smell of her hanging Black Ice air freshener jolted her back into reality after a long day of living a life that was not hers. She slid off the fake wedding ring she had bought on Amazon for $18.99 and set it into her change compartment so she would not forget it tomorrow. Secretly, she wished she could keep it on forever. She reflected on her day and was generally pleased with how it went. Before she walked through the front doors, she took a deep breath and remembered the advice that her grandmother always gave her, “Just smile, sweetheart.” She had smiled the entire day to the point where her face felt like it was cramping up, but for the most part, it worked. Most of the residents were extremely gracious and happy to meet an employee who seemed excited to be there. They said that was rare. The only moment from her day that gave her a slight twinge of anxiety and regret was her interaction with a resident named Barbara. Ms. Barbara did not reciprocate her positive attitude and appeared annoyed by Kennedy, she hoped that was just because Barbara was having a bad day.
After a few moments just sitting in the car, Kennedy put on her seatbelt and drove straight to the gym. She did not particularly like working out and never understood how to use most of the machines in there, but she liked being in a room full of people who never felt the need to talk to each other. It was better than being alone with her thoughts in her new apartment. It was when she was alone that her thoughts turned into a spinning tornado, rapidly growing and destroying everything in its path. Her doctors had talked to her about the potential risks of her heightened stress levels, so she did her best to prevent the storm from beginning to brew. After her workout, Kennedy went home and found an Amazon box on her doorstep. She was stunned when she opened the box to find baby clothes. As much as she tried to prevent it, she felt the mental tornado beginning to form. Who sent these? How did they know? She had no idea. Kennedy had only told three people that she was pregnant. In fact, she often felt like she had not even told herself and was shocked all over again in the moments that she remembered. It was something that she constantly put off. Could you procrastinate on being pregnant? Well, she had tried. The memories associated with becoming pregnant were too traumatic for her to face, but she knew that she was reaching the point where she could no longer hide her secret and would need to come to terms with it. It was terrifying. She took a deep breath and threw the clothes in the living room junk pile. She was not foolish enough to throw them in the trash because she had seen the financial statistics for single mothers. She knew that with just her salary to support the two of them, the baby would need those pajamas.10
Barbara settled into a monotonous life at the nursing home. Wake up, eat, needlepoint a pillow, eat, take a nap, read, and go to bed. It was a meaningless life, but she relished the predictability of it all because she could just go on autopilot—a way for her to turn off all the thoughts in her head. A couple of weeks after Kennedy first arrived, Barbara made her routine walk to breakfast, but she noticed a man in a suit inspecting the lobby. Something about the man felt familiar—his blonde hair, square jawline, blue eyes, and glasses. Barbara immediately felt her heart rate increase and her palms began to sweat. She was immediately transported back seventy-six years to the room in the courthouse where she stood in front of five men—a flashback so intense that she could smell the mustiness of the old building. She remembered not knowing why she was brought into that old building. About a week after Barbara’s father had violated her, a lady in a clean, pressed dress arrived at her home and asked Barbara if she could have a little chat with her.11 Barbara was always taught to be distrustful of people who dressed like the lady because authority would never be on the side of her people, but Barbara complied because she did not know what else to do. “Hi, Barbara. I have a few people who have some questions for you about your home life. Would you mind going to get your mother from the fields and then we can go meet the nice people?” Barbara mumbled an affirmative response and ran to get her mother. Barbara’s mother was alarmed, but as the two women walked back to the house, she reassured Barbara by saying, “I am sure they just have some questions to make sure they can protect you.” Barbara and her mother were not even allowed to tidy up.12 The lady said it was just a quick trip with some simple questions, so there was no need to look presentable. Barbara later figured that was an important part of the conspiracy against her.
As soon as they arrived at the courthouse with the lady, Barbara and her mother entered a room with a sign on the door that read “Eugenics Board.”13 Barbara had not made it very far in school before she was pulled out to help on the farm, but even if she had continued, she doubted she would have learned the word “Eugenic” in the little one-room schoolhouse. She could not understand the word, but she understood the sharpness of the air and the implications of being in front of authority like this. She looked straight towards the five men in suits who sat at a long table facing her, but she refused to look them in the eyes. That was not allowed. One of the men resembled the man standing in the nursing home lobby—blond hair, square jawline, blue eyes, and glasses—that was why her flashback was triggered. The lady, who Barbara learned was a social worker, stood next to Barbara and read from a typed paper,
Barbara Claxton. Sixteen-year-old girl. Child of sharecroppers who lives in a poor home environment. Both parents are mentally limited, and the father has incestual feelings for his daughter. The mother reported incestuous acts to the authorities and provided testimony that she witnessed events. Father admits to such acts. We recommend sterilization because we are afraid the daughter will become pregnant if the father is allowed back in the home.14
Barbara vividly remembers her mother’s shrieks, “I do not approve of it. Please, do not sterilize her. That is not her fault, and this is not the answer. Please, have mercy on her and let her come home with me. I will protect her.”15 Without batting an eye, the blonde man with blue eyes responded, “You just have not given us any reason why this should not be done. Approved for sterilization.” And that was it.
Barbara always wished she had screamed and protested like her mother. She knew that it would not have made a difference, but at least she would know that she had done everything she could to oppose it. Maybe her screams would have filled the minds of one of the five men, haunting them as they tried to fall asleep at night. Instead, she was a passive witness to the actions that changed her life forever. She had no idea what “eugenics” or “sterilization” meant at the time. She assumed that maybe she was getting sent away from her family, but she had no idea what she did other than be a victim. Less than ten minutes after she originally entered that room, she was ushered out to the car by the lady. As soon as they started the thirty-minute drive back to the farm, the lady said “Congratulations, sweetie. Now you can have a carefree life and never have to worry about that again. We will pick you up again tomorrow to get it taken care of. Just pack a small bag with an extra change of clothes.” Barbara still had no idea what was happening to her.
Kennedy woke up the next day feeling the same way she had the past three and a half months—tired, nauseous, and anxious. She desperately wanted to go back to bed, but it was time to go to work and she needed to leave ten minutes earlier than normal so she would not drive near his house. Since the night it happened, Kennedy had altered practically all aspects of her life to prevent running into him. She stopped hanging out with all of her friends, moved apartments, deleted her social media accounts, found a new grocery store, and now, drove a circuitous route to work. She was constantly on high alert, running through all of the possible scenarios she might run into him, and her heart raced every time she got into her car to drive through town because she feared driving past him. It was absolutely exhausting being a victim of someone else’s actions. It infuriated her that even though he was the one who did this to her, he faced no repercussions and had not altered any of his behaviors. She doubted he felt any guilt from his actions and probably would never change the way he lured women in, made them feel safe, and then took advantage of them. She likely was not his first victim, and unfortunately, she likely was not his last.
The most difficult part for Kennedy was the self-doubt. She had always felt like she could understand situations, especially those she was part of, yet she had welcomed a monster into the most intimate parts of her life without a second thought. She felt so stupid for believing him when he told her that he had never cared for anyone like this before and that he was falling in love. She blindly trusted him and had no doubt he was telling the truth when he incessantly talked of their future together. She felt safe and believed that he would respect her strict physical boundaries. As their relationship blossomed over the course of a few weeks, she slowly lowered her guard, and that was when it happened. Now, she was left questioning the intentions of every single person in her life. Who else was methodically plotting to take advantage of her? Who else looked her in the eyes lovingly and lied to her face to get what they wanted? She could no longer trust herself and her perception of people. If she was that dumb, it was best for her to just be alone.
When it first happened, she did not even think about the fact that he would become part of her life forever. She just needed to escape and get as far away from him as possible. Her immediate thought was that it was her fault. He had slowly transformed her thoughts during the time they were together to force her to believe that everything was her fault. It was her fault that the dishes were not cleaned quickly enough after dinner. It was her fault that the guy in the restaurant had been looking at her. This time, since she had chosen to date him, it was her fault that she was in the house alone with him with nobody to hear her cries for help. It was her fault for not fighting harder and eventually just submitting to it because there was nothing she could do about it. Everything was her fault, so she could not blame him.
It took a couple of days for her to fully recognize what had happened to her, and by that point, it was too late to get a rape kit. Without that, her story was weak. It was a he-said-she-said situation since they were the only two in the house, and they were dating. She knew he would flip it to say that he had tried to break up with her and this was her revenge. He would argue that they had been in a loving, consensual relationship, and he had done nothing wrong. However, just because you are in a consensual relationship does not mean you consent to every part of it, especially when your boundaries were made explicitly clear from the beginning. But she was sure the police would not buy that. It would be a “we will get back to you” situation where the police would never take the time to call her again.
Mrs. Peggy rushed into Barbara’s room about once a week with a panic-stricken look on her face searching for her lost dog. Although Barbara was generally aggravated by interactions with the other residents, she had patience with Mrs. Peggy because she understood the terror that accompanies having no idea where you are, who is around you, and what you are doing. Though the trigger of the feeling was different for the two women, as Mrs. Peggy had dementia, Barbara imagined that she had the same wild look in her eye when she was escorted into the hospital when she was sixteen years old. She was alone and all she knew was that the doctors were going to do a quick test to make sure she was not going to get pregnant right now.16 She remembered thinking, that if it was that quick, she did not know why she needed to bring a change of clothes and plan to be away from the farm for at least a week. Before she left her house, her mother continually reassured her that she would not leave her. Even though Barbara would be venturing into an unknown situation, at least she would have a familiar hand to hold. But when the lady from the state pulled up in her fancy car, she refused to let Barbara’s mother come. “If you leave your other children unattended, the state will be forced to take action against you for abandonment.” Without Barbara’s father around, Barbara’s mother had no other choice.
The hospital was filled with people her parents had always told her to not make eye contact with. It was standard Jim Crow etiquette.17 However, that was easy because none of them properly acknowledged her or attempted to make eye contact with her either. They talked over her and never to her, acting like she was not there. She was too terrified to open her mouth, so she quietly complied with their requests until she found herself lying in a white bed wearing a blue hospital gown. About three hours later, that bed was rolling down the hall, and she was headed for a “short nap” while the procedure took place. The next thing she knew, Barbara was the poster child for the saying, “Life can change in the blink of an eye.” Or at least that was one of the dark jokes she told herself when she was trying to any way to cope with what happened. She remembered feeling her eyes grow heavy, and when her eyes opened again, she had a searing pain through her abdomen. She tried to cry for help, but her mouth was so dry she could not get any sound out. She wondered what they could have possibly done to her to cause so much pain.
Two days later, Barbara woke up to a nurse whispering, “I am sorry this happened to you,” in her ear.18 Barbara remembered being shocked that someone in the hospital was on her side. It had been two days, and all she knew was that there were three large incisions on her stomach and that she was in incredible pain.19 Every day Barbara would lay on her back and watch the hands on the clock slowly tick by. It was torture. At times she tried to take her mind elsewhere—trying to name every person who attended her small church or predicting the time that the nurse would walk back through the door—but the pain was selfish and constantly begged for her attention. When the nurse whispered in Barbara’s ear, Barbara knew that it was her opportunity to figure out what had happened, “The doctor went in and tied a knot with your lady parts so you cannot have children.” At the time, Barbara slowly nodded and closed her eyes. She was relieved that she was not dying, but she was disappointed that she would not be able to have children. That was the best way to describe it at that time. She was too young to understand the ways that society’s strict boxes classified “woman” and “mother” as the same thing. She had no idea at that time that society would take constant jabs at her for the rest of her life. “When are you planning on having children?” “Do you have children?” “Do you not have any children who can come visit you?” Society just assumed that women over the age of thirty have children. If she told the truth, everyone knew that she was physically defective, and if she lied and told them it was her choice, they perceived her as mentally defective for defying social and familial norms.20 It was all so personal, yet society felt entitled to know. She had never witnessed them do the same to a man.
Kennedy had not even considered the possibility of being pregnant until her body told her. She collapsed to the ground when she saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test—struggling to catch her breath. She had spent the last month doing everything she could to put distance between him and her, but she had no idea that part of him had been growing inside of her all along. She felt the same helplessness of violation all over again. He had trapped her, and there was no way out. She was suffocated by the complete lack of control over her life and began to hyperventilate. Her body went on autopilot, and her brain was sending urgent warnings in bold, red print to her, “HELP!!! HELP!!! HELP!!!” She lost all touch with reality as the world began to close in on her. Her body shook uncontrollably and urged her to flee, but at the same time, she was paralyzed. She had no memory of how long it lasted, but she woke up on the bathroom floor the most tired she had ever been in her life.
Kennedy could not acknowledge the life growing inside of her. She was consumed with ridding herself of him and the control he had over her. She could not let him dominate her life forever, and if she kept this baby, that is exactly what she thought would happen. Every day she was reminded of him and the worst day of her life. She Googled options incessantly, but in the wake of the Dobbs decision,21 Tennessee had eliminated all options.22 “A person who performs or attempts to perform an abortion commits the offense of criminal abortion,” which is punishable by three to six years in prison.23 It did not matter what she wanted or the fact that she would be the one to care for this child. It did not matter that she was seventeen years old and all alone. It even did not matter that she was the victim of rape. In fact, in Tennessee, it did not matter whether you were impregnated by rape or incest, or if you were under twelve years old.24 There were no options. Kennedy had considered traveling to another state like Illinois, which was the closest state that may be able to help her, but she simply could not afford the cost of gas, food, and a hotel room.25 So, she continued on with life because what else could she do?
Each day that Barbara was in the hospital, she imagined that she would feel an overwhelming sense of relief as soon as she walked through the door of her home. She would fall back into the natural rhythms of life, and life would continue as it once had—early mornings in the field, dinners on the porch, and Sundays at church. Even though she assumed her father would not be there, it would still be her mother and four siblings, which was enough. However, as soon as she stepped foot in the door and saw the look on the faces of her mother and siblings, she knew that her life would never be the same. They were uncomfortable around her. She watched her mother constantly fidget, nervously cleaning and making sure that Barbara was comfortable. Her siblings each stopped in to talk with her, but they all stared at their feet and awkwardly strained to find the right words. She did not blame them. What are you supposed to say to someone who was taken from their home and forcibly sterilized? “Sorry?” “Hope you feel better?” It was awkward, and Barbara felt guilty that she made everyone uncomfortable, so she vowed to put a smile on her face and act as if nothing happened.
Barbara did the best she could to create a believable facade. Although her family knew that she felt physical discomfort, they had no idea the true extent of her pain, both physically and mentally. The doctors had cut through layers of abdominal muscles to reach Barbara’s uterus and ovaries.26 Every move felt like a hot iron searing her stomach. As painful as it was, the emotional pain was worse. It was difficult to sift through all of the emotions—the horror of her father’s acts, the betrayal from the state, the fear of what was happening, and the grief for her old life. As impossible as it all was to manage, she found grief to be the worst. The old Barbara was gone, and the new Barbara did not even get to say goodbye. There was not even the opportunity to properly memorialize her because the new Barbara’s days were spent acting like she was still alive. When Barbara was awake, she pretended like she was a world-famous actress staring in a cinematic masterpiece. Her performance deserved an award. But when Barbara went to sleep at night, she could not keep up the act. The dreams were on rotation. One night, it was her father sneaking into the house to crawl into bed with her. The next night, it was her doctor standing over her with a scalpel in his hand and the look of the devil on his face. The worst one involved the lady from the state ripping two babies out of Barbara’s arms. “Please don’t take my babies,” Barbara would cry in the dream. She had no idea she was screaming in real life too.
2 months later
After working at the nursing home for a couple of months, Kennedy started to settle into the new routine. She was grateful for the core set of responsibilities that she knew she would carry out when she walked through the door every day. It gave her a sense of stability in a life that was constantly evolving. Every day brought a new sensation she had never felt before— small flutters turned into sharp kicks inside of her. She worked every day to separate the growing life inside of her from him. Her family, the couple of times she talked to them, told her just to get over it. She supposedly would fall in love with the baby as soon as it was born because all mothers “inevitably” did, but Kennedy was doubtful. She could not imagine falling in love with a baby that resembled him in any way. The baby would just be a constant reminder of her own foolish deception. She still could not truly comprehend how he could spend months lying, saying that he loved her more than anything in the world, just lull her enough to savagely violate her. Despite her feelings, Kennedy could not bring herself to put the baby up for adoption. She had no idea how she would be able to take care of herself and another human being. She had no money, no support, and no idea how to be a mother. Consciously, she told herself that it was her responsibility to take care of the child no matter the cost. She chose to be with him, so now she would face the consequences of an act that she had been a victim of. Subconsciously, she needed someone to love her unconditionally. She needed someone in her life who she knew was not there to take advantage of her.
There were some moments when Kennedy felt excitement, but they were when she was living her fake life. “Yes, she and her husband were so blessed to be growing their family.” “We are still working out names, but I think we are going to use a family name from my husband’s side of the family.” “My husband is going to be the best father.” She loved seeing the glow on the residents’ faces. She realized she was reminding them of the happiest years of their lives. The years in which they did not have much, but they lived with their spouses, surviving on love. The years in which they slowly expanded their family. The years in which they lived in a perfect little home with a white picket fence and children playing in the yard. They often told her, “Now, the moment you look into the eyes of that baby will be one of the happiest moments of your life. It will even top the moment you walk down the aisle believe it or not.” As much as she wanted it, Kennedy would never have that life. At best, she would limp along, struggling to make ends meet for herself and the baby. She would be a single mother raising her child in a cramped apartment. If she was lucky, she would find a husband who would take both her and her child, but she was not hopeful. The closest she would get was the life she had created in her mind.
They say the best way to combat envy is with gratitude, but that solution requires you to actually have things in life to be grateful for. On particularly happy days, Barbara could force herself to notice her surroundings and be grateful for a bright red cardinal landing on her bird feeder or the cafeteria serving her favorite cake for dessert, but those were fleeting and not actually tied to her life. She had no friends, no family, and no job that brought her purpose. There was nothing that got her out of bed in the morning other than routine. That meant that the envy monster lived unshackled inside of her. The envy had slowly crept through her insides like ivy for years, but as it consumed her, it began to run out of room to invade. Instead of slowing its growth, the envy began to overtake Barbara’s positive personality traits—kindness, selflessness, empathy, and patience. Barbara had fought to keep those traits alive, but, like ivy, envy hoards the nutrients until all the positive aspects slowly die. Now, envy was basically the only thing left inside of her—creating a tortured existence.
It had been a few weeks since Barbara had seen the new girl named Kennedy. It was a Sunday morning when the girl walked into Barbara’s room, and Barbara immediately noticed that the girl was pregnant. Instinctively, Barbara’s eyes shot to the girl’s left hand. A ring. “Who let you in my room?” Barbara snapped. The girl’s eyes were immediately wide with fear, and she brought up her hands defensively. Barbara did not wait for the girl to stammer out a response. “Get out of my room and never come back.” The girl made herself even smaller than normal and rushed out of the room.
Barbara used to feel immense guilt when she would explode on unsuspecting women, but now she only felt a slight twinge of guilt that she could ignore. That is how she knew the extent of envy’s invasion. Barbara recognized how she was perceived. She could only imagine the things that were said about her behind closed doors—the reasons people speculated for her behavior—but Barbara did not care anymore. She could not help it. The young girl who had walked into Barbara’s room had the life that Barbara had been brutally stripped of, and Barbara could not bear to be near her. They say that time heals all wounds, and while that had been true for many of Barbara’s wounds, her inability to bring life into the world or to find someone who thought she was enough without that ability was still a gaping wound. She would give anything to have the life Kennedy had.
Barbara had tried to make the most of her life. She moved to Tennessee only six months after the procedure and sought to reinvent herself there. It would be easier without looking into the eyes of people who knew her greatest secret—that she was some sort of asexual being.27 She was humiliated that she was not able to do the thing that God had created all women to do.28 However, when Barbara moved to Memphis, she gained a new sense of hope. She was not constantly reminded of her inadequacy, and she found a man who fell in love with the facade she created. She was beautiful by all standards. Bubbly, fun, girly. The type of woman a man would want to take home to meet his mother, marry, and start a family with, and that is exactly what Brian had done. After a swift one-year courtship, the two wed under blooming tulip poplars at the courthouse. The two were blissfully in love, but as time wore on and Barbara did not get pregnant, Brian began to get frustrated. Barbara ran through a laundry list of excuses, but ultimately, he had to be told. She knew she should have told him from the beginning because it was unfair to him, but it was also unfair to her that the acts of the state had marked all aspects of her life. They had taken way more than her fertility.
Kennedy could not control the tears that ran down her face after Barbara yelled at her. Sure, Kennedy was upset that Ms. Barbara seemingly hated her. But overall, the act was just the final crack in an already damaged dam wall that was unfairly tasked with holding back all of her emotions. The moment that Ms. Barbara yelled, the dam burst, allowing the pent-up emotions to rush out. Anxiety, fear, sadness, grief, anger. She tried but could not make them stop, so she packed up her things to leave for the day. As she headed for the door, Mrs. Margaret stopped her. “Come here and tell me what is wrong, sweetheart.” The compassionate look in the woman’s eyes comforted Kennedy, and for the first time, she told the story from the beginning.
“I just do not know if I will be able to love this child.” That fear was all-consuming. She knew what it was like to feel inadequate and unloved, and she was not going to raise a child to feel that way. At the same time, she could not imagine staring into eyes that looked like his and feeling a deep sense of maternal love. There was too much pain still left. So, Kennedy had no idea what she was going to do. In her heart, she felt like she could keep the baby, but maybe it would be better to give the baby to a family who could give it what she could not. The lady gently told her:
Sweetie, two things can be true at one time. You can feel pain at the same time that you feel love. You can feel fear at the same time you feel hope. Fortunately, as time goes on, many of our wounds heal if you tend to them. Take care of yourself over the next few months, and I know that you will make an incredible mother if that is something you want to do. Your life may not be the white-picket-fence story we grow up hearing, but nobody has that life. Some people are just better actors than others. Every new mother is scared, but just start by telling your baby that you love them every single day. If you do that, you are on the right track.
And with that, Kennedy felt her body relax, and she took the first deep breath she had taken in months. She knew that if the baby was a girl, she would name her Hope.
When Barbara was younger, she thought that the prolific sense of longing she felt for a child would pass as she got older. However, she failed to recognize the profound beauty of a parent and child growing old together—the way that each stage of life brought something new. Barbara dreamed of it all. She yearned for a newborn baby to be placed in her arms so that the two could lock eyes and mutually agree to care for one another forever. If it happened, Barbara would take the first shift—raising the child and teaching it everything it must know to go out into the world with a kind spirit. She knew the first shift was the hardest. The long nights taking care of the baby would leave her exhausted, but it would all be worth it to experience a series of firsts all over again through a new lens: first steps, first time eating real food, first day of kindergarten, first heartbreak. Her first shift would end when the child went out into the world. She would watch as her child operated independently for the first time, and a deep friendship would blossom between two adults who were inextricably tied together yet living independent lives. Barbara would experience sheer joy as she set her creation loose on the world and proudly witnessed its actions. At that point, the child would reach an age where it could truly understand Barbara’s unwavering devotion and express its gratitude. In that shift, the relationship would become reciprocal: the child would bring a casserole to the family gathering and the mother would pick up her grandchildren from daycare. They would take care of each other. Then, as the two aged, the child would take the later shift and treat Barbara with the same tenderness and love she gave the child so many years ago.
Barbara was at the point in her life where her child and even grandchildren would have taken the later shift—checking in on her daily and ensuring that she was comfortable—but no one ever came.29 So every day she sat alone in her room, trying to keep herself from seeing children running down the halls to visit their grandparents or adults bringing gifts on holidays to their parents. It was all too painful to bear and a reminder that sometime soon, when she took her last breath, there would be nobody there to hold her hand or speak words of peace to her. She would close her eyes one final time to the beeping of a hospital monitor or the silence of a room. Nobody would cry, nobody would care that she was gone, and nobody would come to her funeral if they even had one. Every day for the past seventy years, Barbara lived a life marred by the five-minute decision of the Eugenics Board. To them, they had just taken her ability to have children. To her, they had taken her identity, her chance to have a family, her ability to connect with others, and her capacity to love. It was a painful and empty life, but Barbara held onto hope that when she took her last breath on earth, she would finally be set free.
End Notes
1 This is a fictional story of the lives of two women, Barbara and Kennedy, whose lives were completely changed through laws passed by the government restricting their reproductive autonomy. Barbara’s character and story were developed by weaving together true stories of women impacted by forced sterilizations. The stories were found in Against Their Will, an anthology of newspaper articles and other documents chronicling the history of forced sterilizations in North Carolina, which took place over the course of fifty years. This short story seeks to pay homage to those women and the acts they endured at the hands of the state—a hidden part of American history.
Kennedy’s character is not based on the story of any specific woman, but the impact on her life after becoming pregnant is guided by statutes, laws, and multiple articles. Her story seeks to humanize the impact that Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization and subsequent state laws are having on women today.
The hope is that this paper will demonstrate that while the stories of Barbara and Kennedy are complete opposites in many regards, they are also strikingly similar. Women did not have complete autonomy over their bodies in the 1930s, and in many states throughout the United States, they do not have it today.
2In the late 1800’s, the eugenics movement began to emerge. It was based on the idea that “a progressive society may and should act to protect its gene pool, even to the extent of eliminating the reproductive rights of certain individuals.” The movement spread across the world throughout the early twentieth century, with almost thirty states in the United States enacting laws that allowed state homes for the mentally disabled to sterilize individuals. After World War II ended in 1945 and people were made aware of the atrocities committed by the Nazis, the eugenics based sterilization movement in the United States begin to disappear. The movement likely would have disappeared completely if not for a New Jersey non-profit organization called Birthright, which launched a campaign aimed at offering sterilization in North Carolina to many poor, rural women. This program was not based on the prevention of genetic diseases but to prevent women who the state deemed “unlikely to care for their children” from having more children. See Philip R. Reilly, Eugenics and Involuntary Sterilization: 1907-2015, 16 ANN. REV. GENOMICS & HUM. GENETICS, 351, 352-354, 359 (2015).
In 1927, the Supreme Court of the United States held that forced sterilization of “epileptics and feeble minded” did not violate the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. The State argued that if “feeble minded” individuals were sterilized, they could be discharged safely from mental institutions to be operating members of society and would not transmit their undesirable traits to offspring. The Court famously stated that, “it is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind… Three generations of imbeciles are enough.” Buck v. Bell, 274 U.C. 200, 207 (1927).
3 Studies have shown that women who are unable to conceive are twice as likely to have depressive symptoms as fertile women. This is often because the inability to bear children leads women to feel as if they have lost control over their lives and are unable to comply with social norms, which leads them to feel isolated and alone. See Tara M. Cousineau & Alice D. Domar, Psychological Impact of Infertility, 21 BEST PRAC. & RSCH. CLINICAL OBSTETRICS & GYNAECOLOGY 293, 295-296 (2007).
4It is a common phenomenon that women who are infertile feel intense jealousy and envy when spending time around women who are able to conceive or who have children. Id.
5 See RoAnn Bishop, Agriculture in North Carolina during the Great Depression, NCPEDIA (Jan. 1, 2010), https://www.ncpedia.org/agriculture/great-depression (providing the history of sharecropping and agriculture in North Carolina).
6 Dissociative Disorders, MAYO CLINIC (Aug. 23, 2023), https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215 (describing the root causes and symptoms of dissociative disorders, which cause people to feel separated from their own body in an attempt to escape traumatic events).
7 Barbara’s father raping her, and the subsequent acts taken by the North Carolina Eugenics Board are based on a true story of a fourteen-year-old girl who was incestuously raped by her father in 1962. The girl’s father consented to her sterilization in North Carolina at that time to prevent her from getting pregnant, and the Eugenics Board approved it. It is believed that the Eugenics Board approved the sterilization because it was difficult to obtain birth control at that time, especially in rural areas. See Kevin Begos, Lifting the Curtain on a Shameful Era, in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 9-10 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012).
8 Thomas Rabeyron & Samuel Caussie, Clinical Aspects of Out-of-Body Experiences: Trauma, Reflexivity and Symbolism, 81 L’ÉVOLUTION PSYCHIATRIQUE 53, 55-56 (2016) (describing the science of out-of-body experiences).
9In the true story involving a fourteen-year-old girl being raped by her father, the mother took her daughter to be examined by a physician after she was raped by her father. However, it is unclear from the small amount of evidence collected whether the mother had her daughter examined to protect her or to obtain evidence in support of her daughter being sterilized. See Kevin Begossupra note 6, at 10.
10 There is significant evidence that being denied an abortion has a “large and persistent negative effects on a woman’s financial well-being.” This is because a woman who is denied an abortion must pay additional medical expenses associated with prenatal care, birth, and postpartum recovery; lost wages associated with missing work to care for the child; a well-documented “large and persistent” decline in earnings for women after the birth of a child; and significant costs associated with raising a child, including food, clothing, childcare, etc. See Sarah Miller et al., The Economic Consequences of Being Denied an Abortion 36 (Nat’l Bureau of Econ. Rsch., Working Paper No. 26662, 2022).
11 Social workers often initially identified the women who were sterilized and coerced the women and their families to consent to the procedure. See John Railey & Kevin Begos, The Board Did its Duty, Quietly: Members from Five Governmental Areas Heard Case Summaries and Usually Stamped Approval, in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 30 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012); John Railey & Kevin Begos, ‘Still Hiding’: Sterilized at 15 Carries a Load of Shame,in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 17 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012) (telling the story of a white social worker travelling to rural forms in North Carolina and pressuring the legal guardians to consent to sterilization of a thirteen-year-old girl).
12 Social workers and members of the Eugenic Board often labelled women as “feebleminded” or “promiscuous.” That accompanied the narrative that black women in particular were not capable of taking care of themselves, so they especially could not take care of their offspring. Not allowing Barbara and her mother to shower was included in this story because it would reinforce that narrative to the Eugenics Board. See John Railey & Kevin Begos, ‘Still Hiding’: Sterilized at 15 Carries a Load of Shame,in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 16 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012); Kevin Begos & John Railey, Sign This or Else… A Young Woman Made a Hard Choice, and Life Has Not Been Peaceful Since, in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 50 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012).
13 The Eugenics Board was a panel of five men that convened in a conference room in Raleigh, North Carolina and reviewed at least thirty cases each month. Often, the board members were provided only a short paragraph summarizing the lives of the women that stood before them and the reasons why it is suggested the women be sterilized. Over the course of forty years, the Board decided that more than 7,600 women living in North Carolina should be sterilized. Most women forcibly sterilized were young black women who were often labelled “feebleminded.” Although it is unclear, many argue that not even the governor was aware of the acts that took place in the Eugenics Board conference room. See John Railey & Kevin Begos, The Board Did its Duty, Quietly: Members from Five Governmental Areas Heard Case Summaries and Usually Stamped Approval, in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 29-31 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012).
14 This fictional report included in the story is based on a real report provided to the North Carolina Eugenics Board in 1962. The Board approved of the sterilization. See Kevin Begos supra note 6, at 10 (“The fourteen year old girl lives in a very poor home environment. Both parents appear to be limited, and the father admits to incestuous feelings for (his daughter) to his wife… After the father admitted his feelings for ___ the mother had ___ carefully examined by a physician who reported that she had intercourse…. The parents wish sterilization for ___ as they are afraid she will become pregnant. Consent: signed by client’s father, ___.”).
15 A portion of Barbara’s mother’s screams are based on the words of a woman who pled with the Eugenics Board in 1945. See Kevin Begos, Lifting the Curtain on a Shameful Era: Thousands Were Sentenced to Sterilization During Rubber-Stamp Hearings in Raleigh, in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 1 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012) (“I don’t want it. I don’t approve of it, sir. I don’t want a sterilize operation…. Let me go home, see if I get along all right. Have mercy on me and let me do that.”)
16 Sterilization victim, Elaine Riddick Jessie, explained that at fourteen-years-old, she had no knowledge of what was happening to her when she was sterilized hours after having her only child. It took her years to realize that she had been sterilized and would be unable to have children again. See John Railey & Kevin Begos, ‘Still Hiding’: Sterilized at 15 Carries a Load of Shame,in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 19-21 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012).
17 Prior to 1954, black Americans living in the South were supposed to interact with white Americans in a way that made them seem inferior and non-challenging. See Ronald L. F. Davis, Jim Crow Etiquette, JIM CROW MUSEUM (Sept. 2006), https://jimcrowmuseum.ferris.edu/question/2006/september.htm (describing socially acceptable behavior in the Jim Crow South).
18 In Nial Cox Ramirez’s story, she recounted how the nurses were kind to her as she laid in the hospital room after her sterilization surgery. Ramirez believed many of the nurses thought the sterilizations were wrong, but they did not have the power to confront doctors so were forced to keep their opinions to themselves. Kevin Begos & John Railey, Sign This or Else… A Young Woman Made a Hard Choice, and Life Has Not Been Peaceful Since, in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 51(Carl Crothers ed., 2012) (“The nurses was so nice. Some of the nurses was good, and they would say, ‘We’re sorry this is happening to you.’ Some of the nurses even said (it was wrong).”)
19 Sterilization, or tubal ligation, was a serious surgery where women would be put under anesthesia and would have several layers of skin and muscle cut for the doctors to get to the fallopian tubes. The doctors would cut and “tie” the fallopian tubes so that eggs would not be able to reach the uterus. The procedure prevented women from becoming pregnant in the future. The surgery left women with three large incisions, and they were expected to remain in the hospital for several days. See Danielle Deaver, Tying the Tubes: Operation Has Become Faster, Less Painful, in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 25 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012).
20 Many infertile women experience “perceived or real social unacceptability and a lack of empathy from family and friends regarding their depth of despair.” It is largely in part due to the importance of fertility and childbearing in modern day society. See Cousineau & Domar, supra note 2 at 296.
21 On June 24, 2022, the United States Supreme Court issued its ruling in the Dobbs case, effectively overruling Roe v. Wade and a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. The Court held that the issue of abortion should be handed over to the states individually for the people and their elective representatives to decide. See Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Org., 597 U.S. 215, 232 (2022).
22 See Tennessee, CENTER FOR REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS, (discussing how immediately after Roe v. Wade was overturned, Tennessee enacted a trigger ban, which “prohibits abortion at all stages of pregnancy with limited medical emergency exceptions” and restricts telemedicine providers from providing abortion care); Tenn. Code Ann. § 39-15-213 (“A person who performs or attempts to perform an abortion commits the offense of criminal abortion.”).
23 Tenn. Code Ann. § 39-15-213 (2022) (banning all abortions in the state except in cases of medical emergency and making the offense a Class C felony); Tenn. Code Ann. § 40-25-112 (2021) (stating that the punishment for a Class C felony is three to six years).
24 Sydney Keller, Tennessee Bill That Would Not Punish Abortion in Cases of Rape, Incest Fails Committee, FOX17WZTV NASHVILLE (Feb. 8, 2024) https://fox17.com/news/local/2024-nashville-tennessee-lawmakers-bill-that-would-not-criminally punish-abortion-in-cases-of-rape-incest-fails-committee-davidson-county-middle-tn (discussing how a bill that would not criminalize abortions if the pregnancies were the result of rape or incest failed the Tennessee committee).
25 Women living in states that have banned abortion must travel to other states to obtain an abortion. The cost and expense of travel has a disparate impact on women who struggle financially and cannot afford to pay for gas, food, hotel rooms, plane tickets, or the abortion itself. Although there are some funds that assist women living below the poverty line who are unable to pay for abortions, the funds are struggling to keep up with the changed landscape. A New York Times Article found that the cost to travel ranged from $1,000 to $4,800. See Allison McCann, What it Costs to Get an Abortion Now, NEW YORK TIMES (Sept. 28, 2022) https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2022/09/28/us/abortion-costs-funds.html.
26 See Deaver, supra note 19 at 18.
27 A victim of forced sterilization stated the procedure left her without an identity because a “God-given right” had been stripped away from her. See John Railey & Kevin Begos, ‘Still Hiding’: Sterilized at 15 Carries a Load of Shame,in AGAINST THEIR WILL: NORTH CAROLINA’S STERILIZATION PROGRAM 15 (Carl Crothers ed., 2012) (“I felt like I didn’t have a sex…. I wasn’t a male and I wasn’t a female. Just asexual. I didn’t have a sex, because if I was a woman I could have children.”).
28 The story of Barbara’s marriage is based on the story of Elaine Riddick Jessie, who was sterilized at the age of fourteen. After her sterilization, she moved to New York and got married at eighteen. Her marriage soon ended because her husband wanted children. He told her that she was “barren and fruitless.” Id.
29 Frail older adults without children obtain help from fewer caregivers than those with children and are less likely to receive in-home care. There is a true care disadvantage faced by individuals aging without children or a spouse. See Richard W. Johnson, In-Home Care For Frail Childless Adults: Getting By With a Little Help From Their Friends?, THE URBAN INSTITute 1, 14 (2006).
Awaken 